It is common in many divorcing family situations for one or both parents to become involved with a new partner.  The sometimes happens quickly.  In some cases, there may be a rapid succession of lovers coming home at night with Mom or Dad.

 

This can obviously be a very confusing and dismaying experience for children.  Many children will feel a sense of competition for their parent’s time, feeling deserted and betrayed by the very parent whose help is so strongly needed during a period of great stress and turmoil.  It is not uncommon for children to feel rejected as the parent becomes involved in a new relationship, particularly if the parent is openly infatuated.  For younger children, there is often a reaction of intense jealousy and resentment.  For adolescents, the reactions include anger, anxiety, outrage, embarrassment, dismay and sometimes envy.  Many adolescents, especially girls, become sexually active at an earlier age or with greater frequency than their age mates.  Adolescents may also begin to worry about their own futures as lovers and marriage partners more so than is normal at this age.

 

***What To Do***

A single parent certainly is entitled to a personal social life, including a new partner or special person.  When there are children in the home, however, it is important to be sensitive to their needs, anxieties, and possible jealousies.  Proceed slowly.  Give them a chance to get to know the new partner, and to develop a sense of friendship and trust.  Don’t’ insist that the new lover share in all activities with the children.  Parents should continue to reserve regular time alone with children.

 

If a partner is to spend the night, prepare the children by reassuring them of your continued love and affection.  Discuss the situation with your new partner so he or she will also become sensitive to the children’s emotions and worries.

 

Remarriage also requires special preparation.  Discuss all decision with the children, no matter what age they are.  They need to be allowed to express their concerns (and hopes) so that the parents and new stepparents can proceed as sensitively as possible.

 

New stepparents should expect some initial rejection.  Research shows that only a few stepparents are sensitive to the need to cultivate a relationship with the children gradually, and to allow for the initial resistance and suspiciousness.  The situation will become progressively more positive and rewarding for all, though a good relationship may take a year or two.  For older girls, however, accepting a stepparent is usually very difficult and may never occur.

 

Stepsiblings

The confusion, resentment, and jealousy surrounding Mom or Dad’s new partner can be further complicated in there are also new stepsiblings involved.  The family may suddenly double, with other children who are virtual strangers entering the household, either full time or on visitations.  The children from both families must now share rooms, resources, and parental time.  And they must find ways of getting used to instant brothers and sisters.

 

The addition of stepsiblings is not always negative.  To be sure, many children view stepsiblings as the most positive aspect of the divorce, with the addition of more playmates and sources of support.

 

***What To Do***

It is important for parents to talk over with their children any planned changes in living arrangements.  A series of family meetings may be quite helpful, first with each family separately, and then with the “blended” family.  These meetings should be planned so that all children and adults can express their views.  And the agreements reached should be perceived by all participants as fair, with the input from each child.