I was married for 13 years.  The better part of 10 weren’t “perfect”… as if any marriage truly ever is, but the last 3 or 4 of the 13 were truly awakening years.

 

For me, it wasn’t about busting him in the act of doing something he wasn’t being forthcoming about.  It was more about when I asked him to talk to me about questions that I had or how I was feeling… and he got defensive (rather than acting like our marriage was a serious investment to him and embracing why I felt that way and helping to work with me to reassure me and overcome my insecurities… that were warranted).  All the specifics aside, that was the basic jest of the situation.

 

Of course it’s emotional… the whole thing was a mess, but when I was feeling more “mad” than “sad” about the relationship… and I knew that I wasn’t emotionally able to be the parent my kids deserved (because I was so wrapped up in being miserable in my marriage)… and the icing on the cake was when my son verbalized the same thought I was having about his dad… when I thought I was hiding it all from them… that’s when I was able to step back and say that “this isn’t working for any of us” and it was better to get out then, rather than to wait until we completely hated each other… we *do* have to be co-parents, and in the long run I think that we *like* each other (or I like him better anyway) with a little more distance between us.

 

Basically… to break it to him… because it really didn’t matter “who done what” at that point, I wanted out, and was willing to say or do whatever to get out as peacefully as possible—co-parenting, it just wasn’t worth it any other way… so I told him that I wasn’t happy (keeping the conversation all about *I* and what I felt and needed… not about blaming him or what was wrong with the relationship from what HE’D done—not productive!.... and if I wasn’t happy, then I couldn’t be the partner that he needed and deserved to have…. And if I wasn’t happy, then there was no way he could be as potentially happy as he should be.

 

It’s not about being "alone” or being “married”… it’s about being better off, happier self and happier kids in the long run, farther away from the situation than staying right in it… and doing so in a way that lets you both continue to be great parents.  We still attend kid stuff at the same place and at same time—having a united front toward the kids is extremely important.  And, when we split up, the kids had been with me most of the time, or with him.  We weren’t doing things as a “family” that much, so that wasn’t a big change for the kids, and really didn’t make a big difference in our parenting them, so not being in the same house together didn’t really make a lot of difference to our parenting or the amount of time the kids spent with each of us.  Basically, the kids got a stress free mom (and eventually dad, after he cooled down) and two places to call home with two bedrooms, two toothbrushes and the whole works! (Building excitement because mommy and daddy aren’t happy with each other living in the same house together, and we’ll like each other more if we live in different houses…. which is entirely TRUE!)  Parenting agreements today are so flexible, it’s almost ridiculous… but in a good way.  Yes, EX and I have the standard lingo about every other weekend and swapping holidays, but it also says “and any other times mutually agreed upon” so basically you want your parenting agreement to reflect your intentions toward parenting, but not be the be all end all of everything.  Basically, it’s just a written tool to fall back on if one person or the other wants to be a jack ass to be sure that both kids… and both parents… have rights and responsibilities outlined… and when you use that as a guide to know what to expect, it cuts down on the day to day conversations and tugs of war about who’s actually going to do what today.

 

Drawing the line and making the break aren’t easy…. And you’ve GOT to make that decision on your own (not because of what your friends say… and if they “say” you should be asking how good of a friend they really are… not to confuse validation of what you’re saying/feeling with “telling” you what to do), however long it takes.  Doing it any too soon could leave you wondering after the fact if you gave it your all, if you threw in the towel too soon… and it’s way better to look back later and ask yourself “why didn’t I do that sooner?”  than to wonder “did I do that too soon”, KWIM?’’

 

Incidents (lashing out at each other, larger than usual discussions/disagreements) should be a HUGE wake-up call for you to say to your partner “this really isn’t working for us, I’m not happy, and pretty obviously you/we have some animosity towards me/each other that you/we are teetering with.”  It’s not good for you both… or the kids if the kids see/overheard anything *or* if family members or friends see/hear your disagreements and risks them saying something at some time or another that the kids will overhear.

 

So now…  years later it’s not always easy, but we manage to work it out and the kids are better for it… of course, EX hasn’t been a loose cannon…. And yes, I did specifically tell EX how I was going to act in regard to him and respecting him ALWAYS to the kids, that’s what I expected from him in return (and that’s the law)… and if he chose to behave differently and not reciprocate that, then he’d have to dig himself out of that hole, but if in ANY way I ever felt that I or the kids were in physical or emotional danger that I would pursue action to have it stopped immediately, including calling the police.  He did something one day that led me to believe he was semi threatening me, so I dished that to him right there in all seriousness, and apparently he heard it.

 

So the social associations of “divorce” can be what you make them.  In today’s world there are so many family structures that function and work (and so many socially idealistic family nucleus units that so do NOT work…) your attitude about it all will play a huge role in how your situation, your children, your family and your friends march through this with you.  My children were 5 and 10 when I divorced.  I never used the word “divorce” (obviously with older children they’d have a different knowledge base), nor have I ever discussed money, “child support” or discussed differences that I’ve had with their dad along the way, nor have I ever put upon them to be the messengers for things that weren’t appropriate for them to be the messengers for (that’s what they make phones, voice mail, text messages, e mail, snail mail, registered mail and attorneys for—choose the vice that works the best for your situation).

 

Even though, in my mind, my EX hasn’t always done the right thing, it’s worked for us… we’ve made it work… and the investments that I’ve made into that (God help my friends who painfully listen to my vents along the journey so that I don’t explode!) have paid off many fold.  I can say with 100% certainty that my children are better today because we divorced than they would have been if we’d stayed together and beat a lame horse to death.

 

The first thing I always suggest to help sort out the emotional side from the legalistic side and sifting out what your rights and responsibilities will be for your situation (knowing the facts can really help in making emotional and knowledgeable choices) is to schedule a consultation with an attorney.  That doesn’t mean you are “getting ready” to file or do anything else drastic in the near future.  You are simply fact finding… and that will help you to better be able to focus in the more important immediate issues so that you make the best decisions for you and your family.

 

The most important thing that you can do is…. breathe… and take care of yourself first.  The rest will work out if you work toward arming yourself with knowledge so that you can make educated decisions.