Half of all recent marriages will end in divorce. This figure is all the more astonishing when we note that in 1960, divorce was expected in only one-sixth of all marriages.

While these figures suggest tremendous disruptions for those with troubled marriages, the pain and stress are not limited to adults. More than a million and a half children are affected by their parents' divorce each year. About 60% of divorces involve children. Nearly one-fourth of all children under the age of 18 currently live with a single parent. It is estimated that as many as 70% of children born this year will live in a single-parent family for some period of time during their childhood and adolescence.

The divorce of one's parents, and the restructuring of the family that follows, is one of the most painful and agonizing experiences for children of all ages. And the problems created by divorce can remain a long-term burden for many children will into their adult lives.

For example, research shows that even five years after the breakup of the family, only about a third of the children affected can be described as doing especially well, feeling good about themselves, and coping successfully with school, friends, and home. Just under a third have some adjustment problems, often suffering bouts of unhappiness, low self regard, and anger. But a final third of these children, five years after the divorce, are still intensely unhappy, angry, dissatisfied with life, often moderately to seriously depressed, and deeply lonely.

While the difficulty of coping with one's parents' divorce would seem to be burden enough for a child, many must do so more than once. About 85% of divorcees remarry within five years. And 60% of these second marriages will also end in divorce. About 40% of these second divorces involve children. And the cycle continues, for three out of four of these twice married and divorced individuals will marry yet again.

Currently, only a little more than six out of every ten children still live with both their biological parents. The nuclear family, consisting of Mom and Dad and the average of 2.4 children living under one roof, is rapidly becoming an American myth. In fact, it is expected that by the year 2000, there will be more stepparent families than natural families in the United States.

Part I.  EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN
Most divorcing parents ask themselves some tough questions about what the divorce will do to their children. They wonder about how the children will make sense of what is happening. How will the children react to both parents as the family changes? Will they adjust well to a new marriage partner, and perhaps to stepsiblings? Will their grades in school suffer? Will they withdraw from their friends, and perhaps suffer some permanent emotional harm? Does it make a difference what age your children are, or what sex?

Perhaps the bottom line for most parents is whether or not their children will survive the breakup and emerge as reasonably healthy adults. Certainly many children do, and some are better off in a variety of ways than if they had remained a family of arguing and unhappy members. Some children, especially those who are more mature or who have particularly sensitive parents, will experience few serious problems.

We have included here information for which there is greatest agreement among researchers and other professionals who work with divorced families. As you read, bear in mind that each child is unique, and not all children experience the difficulties discussed here. In the paragraphs that follow, the most common problems experienced by children of divorcing parents will be discussed.

PRESCHOOLERS
For preschoolers, the most common reactions to divorce are fear, confusion, and guilt. Young children lack the mental abilities to understand what is happening and why. Their primitive logic can lead them to assume that if Dad can leave their daily life, Mom can, too (or vice versa), and that if Mom and Dad can stop loving each other, they can also stop loving the children. They often worry about who will take care of them, whether there will be enough food, enough money, a house to live in, and so forth.

Parents will often observe a tendency to back up to earlier forms of behavior, such as reclaiming a security blanket, problems in toileting, increases in masturbation, emotional clinging, disobedience, night fears, fears at separation for baby-sitters or preschool, etc. There may be strange fantasies about what has happened to cause the absence of one parent. There may be disruptions in play activities, and increases in aggression. It is common for young children to believe that they are responsible for the breakup of the family, and that if they had only been better children, Dad (or Mom) would have stayed. If they see their parent being very upset, bright preschoolers and older children may hide their own distress so as not to be an additional burden.

WHAT TO DO:
These young children need clear and frequent reassurances that they will be taken care of, that both Mom and Dad still love them, that they are still a family but will have different living arrangements. They need simple explanations about why the divorce occurred (preferably in advance) to reassure them that the problems are between Mom and Dad, and that the breakup is not the children's fault. They also need an opportunity to express their fears and concerns. Parents should frequently set aside time to talk to the preschoolers about their feelings.

Children need to spend meaningful one-to-one time with each parent as frequently as possible. A two-week period of absence from one parent is too painful for young children, most of whom are intensely dissatisfied with the standard visitation schedule of every other weekend. For children under three, one-week absences are too long, as their sense of time is very different from that of older children. For infants, daily contact with both parents has been recommended.

YOUNG SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN
The most typical responses of children at this age level (6-8 years old) are grief, expressed through crying and sobbing (especially among boys), and a deep yearning for the departed parent. The parent who is missing is usually the father. Research shows that the children will miss him acutely, regardless of the quality of their relationship with the father before the breakup. Anger felt toward the father usually will not be expressed, while considerable anger may be directed toward the mother. When visitation is greatly reduced, the children usually believe that their father has stopped loving them.

At this age level, children hope and believe that some day Mom and Dad will get back together, and will feel a strong sense of responsibility to take care of the parents, despite their own emotional needs. Early signs that your child is looking and acting "fine" do not guarantee the absence of divorce-related emotional problems much later on.

One of the most serious and most common burdens experienced by children at this age is the emotional "tug of war" which occurs when one or both parents try to get the child to side with them. Some parents may try to "brainwash" their children into seeing the other parent as the villain or as the sole cause of the family's problems. In this emotional war the most likely losers are the children who are caught in the middle.

WHAT TO DO:
Children of all ages, but especially of this age group, need to be protected from the parents' disappointments and anger. Children should not be pressured to take sides. Avoid at all costs criticizing the other parent in front of the children. What they need most at this time is the reassurance from both parents that although Mom and Dad don't get along well enough to continue living together, they both still love and will take care of the children. And it is critical that the children be assured that even though one parent has moved to a new home, they will still be able to be with that parent, and that it is okay to still love that parent.

OLDER SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN

This age group includes those in the upper elementary grades and middle school (9-12 years old). They typically differ from the younger children in their reactions to the divorce largely because of their more advanced level of intellectual development. They now have at least a basic ability to see the various points of view in a situation. Most of these children are able to understand some of the reasons for the divorce and will seriously and bravely try to make the best of it.

However, these children will often cover up the distress that they are feeling (for example, saying that they see their father enough, and that they don't feel rejected, when in fact they miss him terribly). In part, these denials may be a result of their sensitivity to the custodial parent's expressed anger toward the other parent. A significant minority of children at this age (about a quarter) will become an ally of one parent (usually the mother) in the parental battle. While they are better able than their younger brothers and sisters to see both sides in a dispute, they nonetheless tend to see things in rather black-and-white terms. This results in a need to label one parent as the "good guy" and one as the "villain."

Children at this age will also try to undo the divorce, perhaps to counteract their own sense of powerlessness in the situation. They are likely to experience intense anger which they are fully aware of, unlike their younger siblings. Part of this anger is a natural outcome of the breakup of the family. But part of it is also because they often see a double standard in the parents' behaviors. There may be visible inconsistency between the parents' discipline of the children and (at least in the children's eyes) the parents' own inappropriate and selfish actions.

Also common at this age are a seriously shaken identity and a variety of physical complaints or problems (including infections, headaches, stomach aches, asthma, etc.) aggravated by the stress the children are experiencing. Many pediatricians report that these physical symptoms bring children of
divorce to their offices far more often than children in intact families.

WHAT TO DO:
It is important to have extensive conversations with children of this age about the divorce and about post-divorce life, particularly to make it easier for children to voice their complaints to each parent. The children are quite capable of expressing their concerns and fears, and of at least a simple understanding of the parents' points of view. It is appropriate to let them know that Mom and Dad disagree about their own personal lives, but that there is still much agreement about the children's lives. Parents should then work very hard to make that agreement happen.

The children's anger needs to be acknowledged. And both parents need to try to change those things that the children find most upsetting. Often what the children are most upset about, however, is the divorce itself, and they will yearn for a reconciliation. If this is unrealistic (and it usually is), this should be expressed clearly and undeniably to the children.

Again, as with younger children, the parents' anger toward each other must be hidden from the children by minimizing any conflict in their presence, and by frequently showing the children that they have permission to love the other parent. This can be done by encouraging the children to call or write letters, and by helping them to buy birthday, Christmas, and Mothers' or Fathers' Day cards and gifts for the other parent. It is also helpful to occasionally say good things about the other parent; to praise that person's good qualities in front of the children.

It is critical to avoid pressures for the children to "choose up sides." This is destructive of their relationship with the other parent, and inevitably leads to more stress and even to resentment toward both parents.

For children at all ages, it is important to let your family doctor and the children's teachers know about the changes in the family. They can best assist your children's adjustment if they have at least a basic understanding of the sources of stress in the children's lives.

ADOLESCENTS
Children in the 13-18-year-old group have certain advantages over younger children in that (a) they are more developed, both socially and intellectually, and therefore have more resources to deal with the family breakup, and (b) their primary orientation during this period is the peer group rather than the family. Unfortunately, then, many of the problems they will encounter may be masked or hidden from the parents.

Among the more common and enduring problems is the loss of the parent-child relationship, a major source of support during a time of much personal and social turmoil for the adolescent. For many, the lack of consistency in discipline and controls is unsettling. Many find it necessary to "compact" their period of growing up, assuming greater responsibilities in the family. About a third become more involved in family life, but another third become removed. It is not unusual for teenagers to act out their anger and frustration by engaging in such behaviors as delinquency, gravitating toward deviant peers, engaging in substance abuse, and sexual promiscuity (especially among girls). The lack of two involved parents during this stormy period of development lessens the guidance that adolescents need.

While some respond with maturity and moral growth (vowing to do better than their parents), many will have lasting concerns about their own intimate relationships, worrying about sex and marriage well into their early adulthood. They are likely to marry earlier, however, and to have higher than normal divorce rates. In part this is due to hasty decisions to marry, combined with poor choices for partners.

WHAT TO DO:
By this age, children will usually be able to tolerate the ambiguities involved and realize that there are two sides to the story. They should be encouraged to ask questions, and should be given honest and clear replies. Parents will be most helpful if they can state their own views and then try to state objectively and fairly the other parent's views. The latter may be very hard for most parents to do. As an alternative, they should encourage their children to ask questions and state their own concerns about the other parent. In this fashion, the adolescent will feel less pressure to "choose up sides," and can begin to appreciate the fact that each parent may see the situation differently, and that there may be "truth" to both.
But perhaps most important, the parents' honesty will help to reestablish trust between parents and children. Teenagers are more able to detect dishonesty, manipulation, and double standards than are younger children, so parents who are not open and honest run a real risk of losing the respect of their teenagers. Parents need to learn good communication skills, such as actively listening to their children, and sending non-blaming statements about their own feelings and reactions (often called "I messages"). For example, if a child is upset and criticizes you, you might say, "I feel hurt when you say those things," as opposed to "You're being a mouthy brat; you sound just like your mother (or father); go to your room."

Teenagers obviously can assume greater family responsibilities, especially if there are younger children in the family. However, in spite of the temptation to do so, parents must avoid relying upon their children as a source of emotional support. While some will do a good job of helping out a depressed and insecure parent, this is an often overwhelming emotional burden for a child -- even a teenager. Divorcing parents do need emotional support. But they should foster close friendships with other adults, and/or seek out help from a mental health professional or religious leader. Making children feel responsible for parental well-being and happiness can be a crippling experience during a time when they are busy exploring their own relationships.

SCHOOL EFFECTS
There is considerable research which shows that children having to deal with the divorce of their parents will have a difficult time at school, too. Preschoolers often enter school at a particular disadvantage, not being as ready as other children either socially or intellectually. Older children often have difficulty paying attention and concentrating, so grades usually suffer. And many children, especially boys, may have behavioral problems.

WHAT TO DO:
Parents should speak to teachers and guidance counselors as soon as possible about a family disruption or breakup that has occurred or is about to occur. This will enable the teacher to understand many of the child's problems, and to provide support during a period of adjustment. Parent-teacher communication should occur regularly to foster a coordinated, supportive approach to helping the child master academic and social tasks at school. Parents should request that their children be included in a divorce support group at school, or suggest that one be started, as these are very helpful! Parents should show even greater interest than usual in their children's activities at school, and encourage frequent discussion of events and problems at school.