While many newly divorced custodial
mothers and fathers are relieved to be out of an unhappy (and sometimes abusive) marriage, single parenthood brings with it
new sources of stress, often leading to disastrous consequences for the children. These
problems, which are more often experienced by single mothers than single fathers, include the following:
- Loss of income and attendant need to work (if previously staying at home); greater need for day care; and therefore
less time with the children.
- A need to play both mother’s and father’s roles.
- Household disorganization and unpredictability
- In single mother homes, boys experience fewer masculine activities, toys, etc. and less cognitive stimulation.
- Few breaks from parenting time or “time outs” and less involvement in community life.
- A need to deal with children’s reactions (often rejection) of a single parent’s new lover(s) or marriage
partner (and perhaps his or her children as well).
- A loss in the quality of parenting. Children become less
compliant, especially to mom; she in turn becomes irritable and overly sensitive. Parents
are less attentive and make fewer demands for mature behaviors, communicate less well, are less affectionate, more inconsistent
in discipline, and are less in control.
The stresses brought on by single
parenting are very real, and lead to depression in many mothers. This, in turn,
has serious consequences for the children. Depression in mothers has been shown
to have a decidedly negative effect on their children’s psychological adjustment.
Furthermore, contrary to popular belief, half of all child abuse in America today is committed by single parents (usually
mothers). This statistic should give us all a reason to be concerned about what
single parents must cope with, and to find means to ease these sources of stress.
***What To Do***
Positive single parenting is
related to the level of emotional support received from the other parent and agreement between the parents on child-rearing
matters. Thus, the parents need to set aside their personal problems, disagreements,
and anger so that they can calmly discuss matters related to the children. It
is important that there be as much consistency as possible between the two homes or what is expected of the children.
Further, parents must avoid the
temptation to “put down” or say negative things about the other parent in front of the children, or otherwise
suggest disapproval of the children’s continuing close relationship with the other parent. (Save your expressions of
anger for your close friends or therapist!)
Many parents find it especially
frustrating when their EX uses baby sitters, friends or relatives to care for children even though the non-custodian wants
and is able to take the children. Custodial parents should make greater use of
non-custodians for child care. Such increased contact would be good for the children. It would also enable the non-custodian to play a greater and more natural role in
parenting. Payment of child support and “extra” contributions are
much more likely as a result. And the level of cooperation thereby fostered between
the parents would take some of the pressure off the custodian.
It should also be noted that
mental health professionals have considerable success in dealing with both mild and severe forms of depression, as well as
with continuing anger. And child and family therapists can be of considerable
assistance in helping parents deal with child management problems.
Similarly, custodial parents
who would like their ex-spouse to have greater involvement with the children may have some success by consulting a professional,
and perhaps eventually involving the other parent in treatment as well. Often
such a professional can be persuasive in helping the non-custodial parent to appreciate the importance of continuing to play
an active role in their children’s lives.
