Obviously, not all divorced result in overburdened and abused children.  As we noted earlier, while some have a very difficult time, some children do reasonably well, and others seem to thrive.  What makes the difference?

 

Reduced conflict

Interestingly, numerous research studies show that the single most powerful cause of stress, suffering and maladjustment in children of divorce is not he divorce itself, but continuing conflict between parents before, during and after the divorce.  In fact, children emerge from low-conflict divorces in better shape than those who remain in an intact family that experiences high conflict.  This is due to several factors.  Parents in conflict are poor role models, are inconsistent in their discipline, and create stress for their children.

 

Children will benefit if kept out of parents’ angry disagreements.  And parents should work hard to maintain both their own individual relationships with the children as well as the other parent’s relationships.  This will help provide buffers against the conflictful situation caused by the divorce.  Parents should allow for each other’s differences in values and parenting style, and avoid criticizing these differences.

 

If the parents have trouble accomplishing these goals, for the sake of the children (if not themselves) they should seek out and work with a counselor or therapist to reduce conflict and maximize cooperation and agreement.

 

Parents should also be aware that in some cases the conflict between mother and father may be made worse (or even caused) by the children themselves.  Some children have serious behavioral or emotional problems, and these may create or add to the burdens of the parents.  If they cannot agree on how to handle these difficulties, conflicts can arise or be aggravated.  Of course, the children’s behavioral and emotional problems may be caused or made worse by the divorce and parental conflict—so it is often difficult to separate out just what is causing what.  Families can find themselves caught up in escalating cycles of discord and conflict.  The best solution is for the parents to agree (with professional help, if necessary) on how to deal with the children’s difficulties to be supportive of one another in front of the children.  A videotape, Children in the Middle, has been shown to help parents reduce the number of situations where they expose the children to their conflict.  The video also teaches children to speak up when they are caught in the middle of parent conflicts.

 

Contact with the Absent Parent

When “reasonable visitation” is two weekends per month, children—particularly younger children—are intensely dissatisfied with this dramatic decrease from daily contact.

 

Research also shows that continued and frequent contact with the non-custodial parent (usually the father) is very important in helping children to adjust to divorce (unless, of course, this parent has been abusive to the children).  This reduces the emotional trauma surrounding the loss of this parent from the family, providing reassurance of love and consistency in relationships.  Children of divorce will survive best when parents are able to deal with (or at least hide) their anger and resentment, and can promote the children’s relationship with the other parent.

 

Children do not “get over” a lack of contact with the non-custodial parent, though they usually stop talking about the pain and feelings of desertion and rejection.  This will often mislead parents into assuming that infrequent visits, or eve no visits at all, are all right with the children.  Regular contact is important and should be encouraged for both the children and the absent parent.

 

Minimized Environmental Change

It appears that a major cause of stress in children is simply the number and variety of life changes they experience as a result of the divorce.  This would include the loss of a parent in the family, perhaps siblings, a move to a new home, move to a new city, starting a new school, having to make new friends, Mom starting a job, Mom or Dad bringing home new dating partners or remarrying, adjusting to new stepsiblings, etc.  The more life changes, the more sources of stress the child must find resources and skills to deal with.

 

The custodial parent’s desire to flee painful memories of the ex-spouse and the community by moving to a new location usually produces intense stress for the children.  Some parents may feel that moving will help the children by getting them away from one’s ex-spouse when he or she is not considered a “good parent” by the custodian.  Others think that moving away will shelter children from the harmful effects of “bouncing back and forth” during visitations.

 

Parents should bear in mind, however, that most children benefit from seeing both parents as much as possible, and that these benefits outweigh problems associated with moving back and forth on in the inconsistency encountered in discipline or other expectations in the two homes.  Again, most of the problems are between the parents.  It they cannot be resolved in a friendly way, and legal remedies are not available or fail to work, parents will often have to swallow their pride, set aside some of their expectations, and let the children have access to the other parent.

 

Both parents should avoid moving such distances from one another that the frequent contact with the children is made difficult or impossible.  Some courts discourage a parent from moving away by requiring that parent pay all costs of visitation.  When long distance moves occur, the absent parent should maintain contact through frequent letters, postcards, phone calls and flying in the children to the parent’s home during vacations and holidays.

 

Where serious problems exist with the other parent—so serious that the children are in danger of being physically, emotionally, or socially damaged, legal remedies are available.  Supervised visitation can be arranged.  Moving away should be reserved as a “last resort.”

 

Surrogate Parents

All too often the non-custodial parent (usually the father) shows no interest in the children and may even disappear.  In such cases, a parent-surrogate (or substitute) is usually beneficial to the children, especially for boys.  The parent substitutes might be a stepfather or stepmother, aunt or uncle, grandfather or grandmother, or some other significant adult.  The most effective parent substitutes are those who are the same sex as the child and who keep in regular contact.

 

Quality of Parenting

The quality of parenting exhibited by both parents (but especially by the custodian) is critical.  Children’s problems will be made worse by a parent’s inability to deal with the new problems and stresses created by the break-up of the family and the new living arrangements.

 

Children who experience continuously intense parental conflict, and whose custodial mothers were devastated and depressed by the divorce, are also unusually very depressed and fail to develop as rapidly as do other children.  Those seriously affected parents should seek immediate outside assistance to help them cope with the effects of the divorce.  This should come from qualified experts, such as clinical psychologists or psychiatrists.  If the costs are prohibitive, community mental health centers often provide assistance on a sliding scale, or at no cost.  One can also seek out a minister, priest or rabbi for pastoral counseling or other trusted and caring individuals.

 

Type of Custodial Agreement

There seems to be considerable evidence that children will better survive their parent’s divorce if their parents are cooperative and supportive of one another, reduce their conflicts, and if the children have frequent contact with two well-adjusted parents.  Custody arrangements, which promote shared parenting and ready access to both parents by the children, seem to be the best for the vast majority of children.  (Shared parenting means that both parents are actively involved in making decisions and assuming responsibilities for the children, much as parents do in intact families.)